I know it's been a while--I've been busy watching Bates Motel on Netflix, reading Amazon reviews on dog treats, etc.) I'm back though, and now that bikini season is behind us, it's time to get your winter bod on. This post is also pretty conducive to procuring the newly-popular Dad bod, if that's your cup of tea (your PSL*, if you will). I've been doing quite a bit of cooking lately (mainly picking up pies from Village Inn to appear as a real adult at holiday gatherings) to ensure that my family, friends, boyfriend, and I all secure an extra layer of fat to stay warm this winter. Paula Dean has nothing on me. Let's pause for a moment to chat about her Dancing with the Stars debut--solid effort but really pretty horrible...cringing at times. This would be an appropriate time to share that my cheer coach always put me in the back row during the dancing sections of our routines, so perhaps I should pipe down. That's unlikely, though. Especially since I have two recipes to share. These recipes do not involve kale, quinoa, or chia seeds, so no need to read further if that's what you're looking for. The only two things you'll need to do in order to prepare for these recipes is wash your hands--maybe get a mani so you can admire your nails while cooking--and change into your leggings/stretchy pants.
*Pumpkin spice latte
Buffalo Chicken Dip
- About 3 chicken breasts (good time for this saying: it's a tit bit nipply, breast go turn up the hooters)
- 1 8-oz. block of sharp cheddar cheese
- 1 8-oz. block of Pepper Jack cheese
- 2 8-oz. packages of cream cheese
- 1/4-1/2 cup Frank's RedHot sauce
- 1 8-oz. bottle of ranch dressing
- 1 box of crackers (I use Ritz b/c I'm a basic b*tch)
I boiled my chicken in water to cook it, and then shredded it into small pieces. Side note: my dad would've fainted if he had seen my cutlery skills, but I still have all my fingers so I'm not worried about it. All the ingredients (except the crackers, obviously) were then mixed together and I let it melt and simmer on the stove top for a while**. Serve/eat with the crackers.
**An hour or so, if I remember correctly. Which I don't, because I was two and half glasses of Chardonnay deep.
Mistakes to avoid (that I learned whilst making this dip):
- If you're wondering why the water isn't boiling despite about 30 minutes passing, ensure that you have the pot on the actual burner you turned on. That'll definitely help.
- Try not to confuse the kitchen timer with the "cook time" button on the microwave. Seems like a simple concept, but I set the microwave for 20 minutes rather than the timer. My roommate, Shelby (shoutout to Shelby and her fine rear end, go Farmers insurance), happened to walk into the kitchen for a glass of water (Coors Light) and found the entire microwave engulfed in flames because all the little crumbs we rarely (never) clean out were apparently flammable. Washing your microwave plate occasionally would be a good preventive measure, too.
- Cut the cheese (save the toot jokes, we're not 13-year old boys, not amused) into cubes. It turns out that cubes of cheese melt much quicker and nicer than a solid brick of cheese.
White Chicken Chili
- About 3 chicken breasts
- 3 15-oz. cans Great Northern beans, drained
- 1 32-oz. box of chicken broth
- 1 medium-sized jar of salsa
- 1 8-oz. block of Pepper Jack cheese
- 4 oz. of cheddar cheese
- 2 teaspoons ground cumin
I did the same thing with the chicken for this recipe as I did for the Buffalo Chicken Dip, so do that. Next, combine all ingredients in a pot on the stove, and once the cheese is melted (it'll just disappear like ninja calories), let the chili simmer for 2-3 hours.
One final note on food safety: chicken is not like a petite filet or a burger. Chicken should not be even the slightest bit pink; you cannot have medium-rare chicken. You'll get sick, very sick. The kind of sick that would discourage your winter layers/bods. In fact, I believe it is Salmonella that you could come down with...and it must be a different strain of Salmonella than cookie dough Salmonella, because you know how you can lick beaters that have recently mixed raw cookie dough (made with eggs) and usually nothing bad happens? Well, with chicken, a Salmonella warning is not just like the casual note on the cookie dough package that everyone ignores. It's not like the tags on pillows that threaten you with jail time if you rip them off--I always rip them off and here I am, still on my couch in my apartment. It's not like when your dental hygienist strongly suggests you floss more often. Bottomline: fully cook chicken. Just burn it if you have to.
Either of the above recipes will have your tummy happy and buttons popping off your jeans in no time--so hop to it. They're seriously delicious. In fact, make this for a guy and you're basically guaranteed a proposal (with the exact ring you pinned on Pinterest). Well, maybe not a proposal, but at least a text back. Make this for your Mom, tell her to put her feet up (bonus point: serve it with a napkin--moms like that sh*t), and she'll have a shiny Audi parked out front for you Christmas morning. Probably not an Audi, but you might get some socks and undies in your stocking! Socks and undies as stocking stuffers are actually so underrated; more undergarments = less laundry necessary = less detergent needed = more money to spend on vodka sodas and Michael Kors wedges. You're welcome.
